Is this how plants feel when they grow, if they could feel like humans do?

 Well, it has been a long time since I came on here to share my inner workings and creativity. I keep saying that I'mma write and get the things in my mind out, but I always end up procrastinating. So, I guess now is the time! I was going through a wild series of emotions throughout today and it had me feeling sick in my body and spirit.  I'm sure it's partly due to the combination of adderall, coffee, no food and an upcoming period. 

Anyway,  It's 2025 and so much has happened. So let's catch up: My son is a strong, healthy boy being the coolest and best parts of me while being his own person. I live in Baltimore and actively transitioning the rest of my life here even though a recent diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis is delaying a few things. I'm finally in the space that I once journaled about and it is so beautiful, but there is so much that went into me being here now. I have gone through crazy ass friendships, abusive relationships, major loss, and more just to be exactly where I am supposed to be.

So, lately, I have been popping back to Detroit more often for medical reasons. Oh! But when I tell you those visits have come with very much needed but heavy lessons and reflections. It's like reopening of wounds and the rebuilding of spirit occurring simultaneously forcing me to face the things I thought I had long worked through. It's the constant feeling of what I thought I was growing away from was actually me running... Somehow hoping that time and space would make people forget the ugliest parts I let slip when I thought I had myself under control.  Today, I thought about killing myself, in theory. Not really wanting to die but just feeling very tired of the pain that comes with life and wondering what can be done to make it not physically and mentally hurt as bad as it does. I know that seems like a wild thing to say but I spent so much time not really feeling my emotions and feelings that now feeling is such a heavy thing for me.

 Being aware, working through so much of the trauma in my life, and late stage diagnosis of being heavily on the autism spectrum brings me so much confliction. On one hand I am glad to know that the things I feel and experience are real. I am grateful for my doctors being able to point me in the right direction on the mental health journey. Yet, on the other hand I mourn the person that I lost within myself that was on constant burnout and crashout mode. Realizing I was trying to keep it together and had no real grasp on life, and having to emulate those I thought had it together. Ironically in my bigger age I realize no one had it together. We are all doin' the best we can with the hand given to us.

One thing I can take from everything I'm feeling right now is while going though some heavy feelings, I almost forgot that they will pass. I can't really hold on to them for too long or they will feel like I'm holding on to the past.