TJ aka Wolf
So... bare with me on this post. I’m at work and I’m really trying to work through my random memory of how I was violated by someone I was cool with.
For about 10 years I held on to the scars of being raped and it affected how I operated with men from that point forward. It derailed my focus so much that I have been stumbling to get back to the state I was in before that happened. I remember how I had so much hope and belief in people, back then. I was embarking on a journey towards knowing myself and discovering who I was as a woman of color. Everything about me was in a beautiful transition, even though my father died a few months prior. Honestly, his death was what made me go ahead with the big chop, dive into my spiritual and cultural roots, and do a vow of celibacy.
Unfortunately, none of that mattered on that Sunday night. When I think back on it I realize that I should have trusted my first mind. I should have never thought that people really invite you over for movie nights. We talked and he knew my stipulations and situation, he said it was cool. We got 35 minutes into some hood movie before he forced himself on me. Nothing about my struggle to keep my clothes on gave him the clues, not even my protests. He just muffled my mouth with a pillow and twisted my arm behind my back. I'm still fighting for the 3 months of purity I thought was bringing me closer to God. I knew I lost that fight when I felt myself tear a little when he finally got in. I get mad at myself cuz I gave up... I just let it happen. Sometimes, I can still smell the whole scene it turns my stomach. I wonder does he even consider what happened rape? He had to know he was wrong. He asked me to be his girlfriend just don't tell anyone. He made me fear to say, "No" to men for a while. I did a lot of things I really didn't want to do because I thought I had to, subconsciously. I ruined a few good situations by being so damaged. It took me 8 years to figure that out... Even 2 years after finally working through it I still could kick myself for not realizing sooner.
For about 10 years I held on to the scars of being raped and it affected how I operated with men from that point forward. It derailed my focus so much that I have been stumbling to get back to the state I was in before that happened. I remember how I had so much hope and belief in people, back then. I was embarking on a journey towards knowing myself and discovering who I was as a woman of color. Everything about me was in a beautiful transition, even though my father died a few months prior. Honestly, his death was what made me go ahead with the big chop, dive into my spiritual and cultural roots, and do a vow of celibacy.
Unfortunately, none of that mattered on that Sunday night. When I think back on it I realize that I should have trusted my first mind. I should have never thought that people really invite you over for movie nights. We talked and he knew my stipulations and situation, he said it was cool. We got 35 minutes into some hood movie before he forced himself on me. Nothing about my struggle to keep my clothes on gave him the clues, not even my protests. He just muffled my mouth with a pillow and twisted my arm behind my back. I'm still fighting for the 3 months of purity I thought was bringing me closer to God. I knew I lost that fight when I felt myself tear a little when he finally got in. I get mad at myself cuz I gave up... I just let it happen. Sometimes, I can still smell the whole scene it turns my stomach. I wonder does he even consider what happened rape? He had to know he was wrong. He asked me to be his girlfriend just don't tell anyone. He made me fear to say, "No" to men for a while. I did a lot of things I really didn't want to do because I thought I had to, subconsciously. I ruined a few good situations by being so damaged. It took me 8 years to figure that out... Even 2 years after finally working through it I still could kick myself for not realizing sooner.
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